Circles

 This post was written two weeks ago. Some days I think I am not grieving anymore, and then something happens and I realize this experience of sitting beside Francis and his family has changed me and I will never be who I was. But every day should change us. We should never stay the same.

  The past two weeks have taken us on a journey we couldn’t have imagined. A boy from our village and church got sick and died. We supported the family financially and hopefully emotionally as well by sitting with them at the hospital, buying his meds, and giving them rides. The morning they called and said he died, we sat and cried with them for hours. Francis was only 14. He seemed more like a ten-year-old. He was always sweet and respectful and the most faithful in attending church with us.

  It is hard not to ask why. Not so much why did he have to die. His family is so poor and he had a hard life. It is hard to wish someone back to that. But the questions are more like, why are children in this terrible situation because of the choices their parents made? Why should he have suffered because his dad didn’t support the family? Why do the siblings need to hold the family together through this time of grief? But really it isn’t his parents’ fault. They were never taught differently. His mom is totally illiterate. She couldn’t sign his death certificate. So, is it the grandparents fault?

  The past weeks have brought tears of frustration, anger, regret, along with the tears of grief. I have been struggling to deal with all the heartache. Not only for Francis but also the other people I rubbed shoulders with at the hospital. But then this week the local missionary homeschool group gathered for crafts and games and our ladies Bible Study. A dear friend asked us to read Psalm 73 together. She knew what all I might be going through and she found the perfect scripture for it.

   In the first verse, he starts by saying, Truly God is good. Even in the midst of my questions and heartache, never do I doubt God and his goodness. But that still doesn’t stop the questions. And it is the same is true of Asaph. He looks at the wicked and says, why God? Why do you allow them to prosper? And it was almost too painful for him. I look at this father who travels and doesn’t support his family. I am angry. I say Why God?  Why do you allow him to go off and do whatever he wants while his wife and children suffer? (He isn’t prospering. I am pretty sure he drinks most of the money he makes.)

  But then in verse 17 he says. Until I went into the sanctuary of God. Then I understood their end. It is when I spend time with God that my thinking clears. The other day I went down to the family house and gave the family some pictures I had printed. The father sat and stared at the face of his son. Then his younger daughter took the photo and he buried his head in his hands. Then I understood their end. Maybe he hasn’t stayed by his wife and suffered like his wife and children. But the suffering he is going through now is almost too much to watch.

   Verse 21, Thus my heart was grieved, and I was pricked in my reigns. So foolish was I, and ignorant. I was angry at this father for making his family suffer. But I didn’t think about him. And how he suffers. I didn’t try to love him. The other evening as we were leaving our village, he was walking nearby and came over to shake our hands and greet us. He was walking towards the bar. But the fact that he had time for us and was respectful, spoke volumes to Kenny and I. He could leave for parts unknown again after the funeral. But our prayer is that we have made him curious enough about us, that he sticks around. Our prayer is that the door of his heart has cracked open, even just a little, and the light that comes through us from God, has peeked in.

  Verse 26 to 28, My flesh and my heart faileth; But God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. For, lo, they that are far from Thee shall perish: Thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from Thee. But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord God, That I may declare all Thy works.

  The Psalmist came in a complete circle. He started knowing he had a good God, and he ended knowing God is His strength. Sometimes it feels like life goes in a straight line. We have a close walk with God and things go well. But most of the time it feels like I go in circles. I question God’s plan. I get frustrated or angry. I cry. But then I spend time with God and look back at what I have come through, and I can’t help but once again be overwhelmed by His love, His faithfulness, and His peace. I come full circle.  I look at this Psalm and say, circles are ok. As long as each circle brings me closer to God. It is ok to have doubts and questions, if they lead us closer to God. It is ok to fall, if we get back up and hang on to God’s hand tighter than ever before.